Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Stuart's 4th Birthday

From the moment I saw you
from the moment I looked into your eyes
There was something about you I knew,
I knew that we were once in a lifetime
A treasure impossible to find
and now I know how lucky I am to have you

Cause I've seen rainbows that
could take your breath away
The beauty of the setting sun
on any given day
And when it comes to shooting stars
I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything
as beautiful as you

I can't believe that I have you
I can't believe that you're here in my arms
I'd been waiting a lifetime for you,
and I'd dreamed about you
pictured in my mind what I would see
But I never imagined just how beautiful you'd be

Happy Birthday my Darling Boy.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Where did the Time Go?

I was talking to a friend in Port Elizabeth last week and he asked when I would be coming down. With my crazy workload I stated that it was unlikely it would be before the Spring. He said "Oh, that always means longer - probably only next year but that will be in the middle of the Soccer". In my head I thought "What an exaggeration, the World Cup is only in 2010!"

Imagine that, I can tell you to the day what month it is since 22 November but I can't tell you what year I am in. It is as if I cannot comprehend moving out of 2008 because that would mean leaving Duncan in it.

Today Lindie brought me a Tax Return and asked me to write another cheque as the one attached was no longer acceptable. It had been written out by Duncan, there was his familiar handwriting, his signature.
It was dated early November.
Lindie took the old cheque and tore it up, I suppose rightly so,
but as she was doing it I felt myself being torn inside too.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Relatively Unscathed

Well I got through Mother's Day realtively unscathed.
Stuart and I spent the day in the garden, he thoroughly enjoyed digging in the sand and I planted some cheery pansies to welcome me at my door.
My Mom came over in the afternoon, we had agreed that we would not make a big thing of the day but I did want to acknowledge her and so we had decided to just do a tea.

After she had left and I was making Stuart's dinner I started to cry, Stuart has been having a particular difficult time at the moment regarding Duncan and I was trying not to let him see me. He came into the kitchen and walked up behind me and put his little arms around me and said "Turn around Mama" which I did.

I knelt down and he held me and patted my back, then looked at my face intensely and kissed me several times before holding me again much as a parent would comfort a child. "Don't worry Mama, don't worry". Later he came in to check on me again and asked "Are you not so sad anymore?" and I could answer honestly "I love you so much, you can only make me happy".

Mother's Day

Back in the height of my IVF years, when I seemed to be better
at losing babies than having them, I dreaded Mother's Day.
Here was this day that seemed especially designed to ridicule me,
taunt me.
Remind me of all that I wasn't and all that I couldn't have.

In South Africa we celebrate Woman's Day on 9 August and Duncan
would always do something extra special for me on that day and told me this was my day until such time I became a Mother, he never doubted I would.

And then the bliss of finally becoming a Mommy, of celebrating this fact.
To rejoice on this day that I had waited for so long,a day to enjoy,
a day to know that I was there to nurture, to love, to teach, to protect, to care for this perfect little boy.
A day to remember all my lost babies and to cherish the one I have.

And now I am back in that place again, dreading Mother's Day.
Another day to see other families together, other daddies sharing
in their children's love for their mother.
Another day to remember all that we have lost.
And so I am going to ignore it and treat it as just another day.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Trust Fund Kid

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a Trust Fund Lawyer.
As Duncan was orphaned twice and as neither of us have
a living sibling, if something had to happen to me Stuart
would be orphaned too - at four years old.
The fear of which has me lying awake nights.

Two dear friends of ours so very kindly, and so absolutely,
agreed to be his legal guardians.
Tomorrow the paperwork has to be done.
It makes it so absolute.

I feel hollow inside, this great big vacuum.
Duncan's estate is not even wound up yet
and here I am planning mine.
My sister, my babies, my husband
Will all this death around me ever end?

A little boy needs his Mommy.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Missing You

I miss you when something really good happens,
because you're the one I want to share it with.
I miss you when something is troubling me,
because you're the only one who understands me so well.
I miss you when I laugh and cry,
because I know that you're the one who makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.
I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lie awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other for those were some of the best memorable times of my life.

I want to be in your arms, where you hold me tight,
and never let me go.