Tuesday, January 27, 2009

How Come The World Won't Stop?

Somebody told me
You were not coming home
The words were spinning in time
And the air suddenly went cold

The sun is still shining
But everything feels like rain,
And if I had one wish
It would be to see you again
Nothings fair, when we loose
Without a moment to say goodbye

How come the world wont stop spinning
Now that you're gone?
I know every end has beginnings
But this ones all wrong
So wrong, so wrong

Caught in the middle
Wrong place, wrong time
And I’m hopelessly missing you
And I cant stop or deny
Nothings fair anymore
And I know there’s a better place
And Ill never stop dreaming of you

How can the seasons keep changing
Since you disappeared
Tell me how come the world wont stop?
How come the world won’t stop?

Sweet tears are shed
This pain we lay to rest
Its hard letting go
But I keep moving on
In a place I don’t belong

Monday, January 26, 2009

Stuart and I are having some very deep conversations considering that he is only three and a half. He also still wants to know exactly what happened at the hospital and the reasons that the Doctor's could not restore Duncan to us. We go over all possibilities at length and he still seems to think they were missing something. I am finding it terribly draining as I am still not sleeping and still trying to run both companies, somehow. He has also started talking about it to his teacher which I think is really good as she is also a trained social worker as well as it relieving some of the strain from me.

I am consumed with inconsolable sadness and the bleakness of despair.
We bear the wounds and scars of furious battle, my soul and I.
But now we walk in quiet peace
With all our scattered pieces whole
Surviving yet another destructive night
Waiting for morning's soft forgiveness
And the dawn of understanding.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Don't Worry, I'll Fix Papa

Stuart: "I think the doctor should come to the house"

Me: "Why, Sweetie, are you not feeling well?"

Stuart: "No, I think the doctor can fix Mommy's sadness"

Me: "Mommy is only sad sometimes but you make Mommy happy"

Stuart: "Don't worry Mommy, when I am big I will be a Doctor. Then I can fetch and fix Papa".

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Derision of Death

Dont look at my pain
or question my silence;
my torment.
It is binding, oppressing
and slowly destroying me.

In all this confusion,
endless, relentless
pain surrounds me,
as does the silence

And amidst this quiet chaos
death lingers around me
dark, cold
and silent.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Stuart James Gray - The reason I can still get through a day!

Mommy is Okay Today!

I am back at work, well that means I am running a company that is way too big for me and trying my best to make some sense of it whilst presenting a completely-in-control image to all the staff.

Stuart is still asking all the questions, each morning he checks that "Papa is still dead" I am sure just like his Mum he is wishing things had changed in the night. He has taken to guauging how I am each day and reports that either I am "just a little bit sad" or "big sad" or "Mommy is Okay Today!"

This morning he decided that the Doctor needed to come to our house. When I asked him why he said "Because I think he can fix this sadness in Mommy". He has also taken to acting out being dead and asking me to hold him like I held his Daddy when he died. While it breaks my heart to see him do this, if it is helping him I will do anything.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The New Normal

I think one of the hardest parts of the holiday season is seeing all the families together in shopping malls, restaurants and parks. The other is that my best friend, the first person I would turn to no matter what happened - be it that I was happy, sad, fearful, angry - the person who always had all the answers is no longer here with me. The most difficult, stressful time in my life and the only person I really want or need with me is gone and will be forever. I am struggling to process the forever part. It is as if I keep expecting him to return home or for me to walk into our bedroom and for him to be there.

I am not lonely, I am used to Duncan being away. When he travelled I would use these evenings to catch up on things that I could do alone - sewing, reading, Facebook. Our little family rituals of dinner, evenings together and bedtime would be put on hold and we would look forward to his homecoming, waiting for things to return to normal. He was such a major part of our lives so compelling and strong that is is incomprehensible to think that he could just be taken away like that.

The other night a friend of mine said I am going to have to find a "new normal" for Stuart and I. Later, lying in bed reflecting on her comment I realised that we have just been marking time, waiting. I have to start new rituals and routines for us to follow, I have to try and accept that he won't be coming back.