It has been a shocking week. I have been so very down and so struggling to cope with just the very act of being yet there is no respite as the world doesn't stop and allow you 10 minutes to recover.
I have also had an intensely busy time at work with the press releases going out of my new directorship, I welcome the distraction but it takes so much out of me. Stuart doesn't stop checking on my well being, and while this is so dear, it is also trying as it opens up all the wounds and starts all the questions again.
I am managing my days better and trying to give as much of me to each person requiring a piece yet still being sane at the end of the day. This week I had so many business functions on in the evenings that by Friday I was exhausted and still had another one to attend. When I walked in Stuart said "Please Mama, don't go out again tonight". I felt so guilty, and so drained that I made a few calls and cancelled. Instead we climbed onto my bed with snacks, books and toys and had a wonderful, peaceful evening together. The best decision I could have made.
Where ever I look I see things that remind me intensely of Duncan, what I read, what I view, what I hear. The tremendous sadness that this brings has me reduced to tears continually. The sight and sound of an ambulance physically grips me and has me wondering what tragedy is that family about to endure. Friends and family chatting to their significant other, whether it is on the phone or directly, upsets me so that I cannot abide attending social functions anymore. I am getting the reputation of a recluse but I just cannot face talking to people and behaving as if things were normal.
I don't like my "new normal", I don't know how to function within it.
2 years ago