Friday, April 24, 2009

Trying to Make Sense of it All

Stuart has been ill for a month now and when I took him to the doctor, for the second time, he climbed onto her bed and lay very still. He said to her “I am going to die like my Papa”. Naturally she was rather concerned and wants to keep an eye on him in case he needs trauma counselling . He still asks and talks about Duncan every day, mimics things that Duncan used to do, talks continually about things he did and used. The doctor said all these things are normal for the first year but should it go beyond this we will have to look into it.

He has started asking me how much his Daddy loved him and if I will always stay married to his Daddy. He also likes me to tell him stories about Duncan and to discuss D’s friends and what they meant to him. If anyone he knows gets sick, especially if this entails a trip to the doctor, he immediately worries that they are going to die and wants to know how bad their illness is and whether or not they will come back. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and when I say that I love him so much, he most often responds with “Papa loves me so much too!”

It will be his birthday next month and I will be taking him to see Barney. I asked him if he knew who was coming to town. Immediately he got excited and asked “Is it Papa?” I was heartbroken that I had to let him down and suddenly Barney seemed such a feeble alternative.

I have been working extremely long hours for the last month and I have been so focussed on the marketing campaign that I have been busy with and with the building site that I have been very strong and only had a few meltdowns. What I find quite bizarre is that I will catch myself, maybe looking at a photo of D, and suddenly be overwhelmed with the idea that he will never be here again. It is as if by not thinking about it I do not have to accept it. That he is just away on a business trip and will be joining us later.

I am reading “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” by Robin S Sharma which I am finding very helpful to keep me in a positive frame of mind both professionally and personally. I am striving to live with the greater courage, balance and joy it teaches and more than anything want these for my son. This, above anything else, is what is driving me to relearn to live with the passion and purpose I once had and hopefully eventually to find an element of peace.

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