Friday, April 10, 2009

Such Cruel Things

I was walking through the visitors waiting area in the office yesterday and suddenly could smell Duncan's aftershave. I asked Angela if she had just sprayed any perfume or deoderant and she said no and as she has a cold she couldn't smell anything either. Lindie, who believes these things where I don't, said "it's Duncan just saying hello"....this evening I called my Mum to tell her about the aftershave and while I was doing so the gift Duncan gave me for Valentine's day fell over gently onto my dressing table. Ofcourse she too believes it is him. I wish I believed this, I wish I could make contact with him, I so want him here with me.

I got home to find my "Your Family" magazine had arrived. My Mum had given me a year's subsciption for my birthday in July last year. Every month when it arrives I ache, I have no family anymore. It is just my little boy and I, I do not plan elaborate meals or prepare special holidays feasts. Every article in the magazine screams of happy families.

And each morning, I still look up across the gym to where I saw him last - imagining him walking towards me, imagining him there.

Stuart said to me tonight "I have no Daddy to play with" then he fetched all the photos of D off my dressing table and kissed them all, then asked me to kiss them too. He spoke to Duncan telling him he loved him and would fix him he just "needed to get bigger" and my heart keeps breaking.

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