Valentine's Day

Having got through Valentine's day relatively unscathed, if I compare it to Christmas Day, I hit a crashing low on Monday. Having picked Stuart up from school I barely got home when I just fell apart. Dearest Connie, our Nanny, took Stuart and allowed me time on my own to try to gather myself. Stuart gets so heartsore when he sees his Mommy so sad.

I can't even say it was something in particular that set me off. I am so tired from overwork and lack of sleep and am receiving unwanted, and unsolicited attention, from so called admirers which only brings back the harsh reality that I am alone. This would never be happening if Duncan was still here. The insensitivity of these people quite blows me away.

My heart is aching for my husband, I don't want to be near anyone and this I know is hurtful to people close to me, especially my mother, but I just cannot face the idea of socialising. My reaction to sound, which was always pronounced, is now extreme and I become quite overwhelmed in even quite average surroundings.

Like an open wound I am sensitive
the breeze stings me, even with it's gentle breath
Every time I start to heal
I am pulled back and break open again
Spilling forth this red that signifies life,
Wanting death to come nearer
so that I have something to reach for
and take hold of.

Nothing seems strong enough to fight this decay
It has spread and taken over my thoughts
I am bleeding alone
in a world so far from custom
I can no longer retrace my steps
No one can reach me anymore,
I have run too far,
and bled too long.