Good Grief

Tomorrow will be the three month anniversary of Duncan's death. I have been subconsciously avoiding this date, avoiding knowing what the current date is, instead planning things for dates passed the 22nd. It feels like so much has happened in this short time, so much that I have had to deal with besides the loss of my husband. And yet what is three months? One trimester of pregnancy, a school term, a quarter of a year.

In all the grief counselling literature it says it takes a year for you to get over the initial shock, trauma, grief of the death. Will it? Will I really be able to ever get over this? Will this dull ache ease? My life feels so completely broken, so barren.

Since Duncan died I have used one plate and one mug of our entire crockery range as I cannot bring myself to eat much less actually cook a meal or even purchase the ingredients. I find myself completely lost in grocery stores not knowing what to do there yet still manage to produce home cooked meals for Stuart. Being so young he always ate before we did and so I would prepare his meals separately. I just cannot bare to make a meal for one.

The Super 14 Rugby season has started which we always looked forward to and would eagerly plan our day around kick off times. Last week I didn't watch but this week I bought some snacks and when Stuart asked "Are we going to watch YUGby?" I said "yes, lets" and we climbed on the couch and watched the games. The massive gap of Duncan not being there to cheer with and discuss the game was so vast, so crushing.

This evening when Stuart was talking about his Daddy, and saying how much he loves him, I was trying so hard not to cry. When he said "I love you Mommy, I know you are sad because Papa is dead but please don't be SO sad" I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I held him close and told him that he made me happy even though I was sad about losing his Daddy. We lay on the couch together and hugged and spoke about the special things that we remembered about Duncan. I love you my darling, so much, and miss you intensely.