A Shocking Week

It has been a shocking week. I have been so very down and so struggling to cope with just the very act of being yet there is no respite as the world doesn't stop and allow you 10 minutes to recover.

I have also had an intensely busy time at work with the press releases going out of my new directorship, I welcome the distraction but it takes so much out of me. Stuart doesn't stop checking on my well being, and while this is so dear, it is also trying as it opens up all the wounds and starts all the questions again.

I am managing my days better and trying to give as much of me to each person requiring a piece yet still being sane at the end of the day. This week I had so many business functions on in the evenings that by Friday I was exhausted and still had another one to attend. When I walked in Stuart said "Please Mama, don't go out again tonight". I felt so guilty, and so drained that I made a few calls and cancelled. Instead we climbed onto my bed with snacks, books and toys and had a wonderful, peaceful evening together. The best decision I could have made.

Where ever I look I see things that remind me intensely of Duncan, what I read, what I view, what I hear. The tremendous sadness that this brings has me reduced to tears continually. The sight and sound of an ambulance physically grips me and has me wondering what tragedy is that family about to endure. Friends and family chatting to their significant other, whether it is on the phone or directly, upsets me so that I cannot abide attending social functions anymore. I am getting the reputation of a recluse but I just cannot face talking to people and behaving as if things were normal.

I don't like my "new normal", I don't know how to function within it.

Good Grief

Tomorrow will be the three month anniversary of Duncan's death. I have been subconsciously avoiding this date, avoiding knowing what the current date is, instead planning things for dates passed the 22nd. It feels like so much has happened in this short time, so much that I have had to deal with besides the loss of my husband. And yet what is three months? One trimester of pregnancy, a school term, a quarter of a year.

In all the grief counselling literature it says it takes a year for you to get over the initial shock, trauma, grief of the death. Will it? Will I really be able to ever get over this? Will this dull ache ease? My life feels so completely broken, so barren.

Since Duncan died I have used one plate and one mug of our entire crockery range as I cannot bring myself to eat much less actually cook a meal or even purchase the ingredients. I find myself completely lost in grocery stores not knowing what to do there yet still manage to produce home cooked meals for Stuart. Being so young he always ate before we did and so I would prepare his meals separately. I just cannot bare to make a meal for one.

The Super 14 Rugby season has started which we always looked forward to and would eagerly plan our day around kick off times. Last week I didn't watch but this week I bought some snacks and when Stuart asked "Are we going to watch YUGby?" I said "yes, lets" and we climbed on the couch and watched the games. The massive gap of Duncan not being there to cheer with and discuss the game was so vast, so crushing.

This evening when Stuart was talking about his Daddy, and saying how much he loves him, I was trying so hard not to cry. When he said "I love you Mommy, I know you are sad because Papa is dead but please don't be SO sad" I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I held him close and told him that he made me happy even though I was sad about losing his Daddy. We lay on the couch together and hugged and spoke about the special things that we remembered about Duncan. I love you my darling, so much, and miss you intensely.

Valentine's Day

Having got through Valentine's day relatively unscathed, if I compare it to Christmas Day, I hit a crashing low on Monday. Having picked Stuart up from school I barely got home when I just fell apart. Dearest Connie, our Nanny, took Stuart and allowed me time on my own to try to gather myself. Stuart gets so heartsore when he sees his Mommy so sad.

I can't even say it was something in particular that set me off. I am so tired from overwork and lack of sleep and am receiving unwanted, and unsolicited attention, from so called admirers which only brings back the harsh reality that I am alone. This would never be happening if Duncan was still here. The insensitivity of these people quite blows me away.

My heart is aching for my husband, I don't want to be near anyone and this I know is hurtful to people close to me, especially my mother, but I just cannot face the idea of socialising. My reaction to sound, which was always pronounced, is now extreme and I become quite overwhelmed in even quite average surroundings.

Like an open wound I am sensitive
the breeze stings me, even with it's gentle breath
Every time I start to heal
I am pulled back and break open again
Spilling forth this red that signifies life,
Wanting death to come nearer
so that I have something to reach for
and take hold of.

Nothing seems strong enough to fight this decay
It has spread and taken over my thoughts
I am bleeding alone
in a world so far from custom
I can no longer retrace my steps
No one can reach me anymore,
I have run too far,
and bled too long.

We Must Be Having Fun....

We must be having fun, because time is flying!

Here we are in February already, things have started to look up at C21 as I seem to have worked out a solution on the operations side. I have also concluded my own first deal which has bolstered my confidence and we held a successful Brokers Meeting last week which has boosted the morale of all. The girls continue to support me and I am grateful for them everyday. On the MGI side, business has been going well and so I fortunately don't have to be too concerned there either. Hopefully this means I will start to work more realistic hours.

Mitch, Stuart and I spent a super day together yesterday which lifted all our spirits. Mitch is loving University and his new found freedom. He broke up with his girlfriend which was a little sad but perhaps inevitable due to her still being at school and he now entering a completely new phase of his life.

The rain has finally eased and allowed me to get out and maintain much that needed doing in the garden. Walking around outside it hit me again how absolutely final Duncan's not returning is. When I looked at projects we worked on together, or had discussed, and to think that he will never see them again, or see them completed, destroys me.

What matters? Very little. Only the flicker of light within the darkness, the feeling of warmth within the cold, the knowledge of love within the void.

Regression

Stuart sleeps with Duncan's toothbrush. On Saturday we couldn't find it and although he didn't say anything I knew he was hurting. After he had gone to sleep I turned the place upside down to ensure I found it and had it ready for him in the morning.

When he woke the next morning he went and found a dummy (pacifier) which was still in its wrapping - Stuart volunatarily gave up his dummy at 9 months - and asked me to open it. He sucked on it the rest of the day and night and slept with both it and the toothbrush in his hand. The next day I convinced him to leave it at home when he went to school but as soon as he came home he took up with it again and he did so on Tuesday as well. The questions regarding Duncan have been even more profound these last nights.

I spoke with his teacher and have not made too big a deal of it at home, thankfully he gave it up today and has now taken to carrying a camera around and photographing everything :-) Oh little boy, I love you so, if only I could take your pain away.

If we never saw each other again

...it's like I told you once
If we never saw each other again
It wouldn't make any difference.

I didn't say it wouldn't matter
I said...It wouldn't make any difference.

And did you know and understand the nuance?
It was so long ago...but, did you know?

Need for Solitude

I have never had so many invitations in my life. Everyone has been fantastic, but yet the only people I've been able for are Mitchell and Jill (who comes as a job lot with Lorian). There are lots of people I still have to get back to. I don't necessary want to be alone but I don't want to be with anyone else either. Paradoxical as that is, it makes sense to me: I simply want to be with Duncan.

When I have to be out socially I find my breathing constricts and I am seized by a strange panic; suddenly I cannot be with these people any longer. If I zoom out and look at the world from far I see millions and millions of people, all slotted into their lives; then I see me - I've lost my place in the universe. It is as if it has closed up and there is nowhere for me to be. I feel more lost than I had known it was possible for any human being to be.

I keep smelling Bitumen which I associate immediately with Kranspunt - the cattle farm we owned in the Free State - a place of sheer joy and solitude for Duncan and I. When the calves were dehorned the cut was sealed with this product to prevent bleeding and infection. I don't know where it is coming from but it is quite disturbing; and of course catches me up short and reminds me distinctly each time of Duncan.