The New Normal

I think one of the hardest parts of the holiday season is seeing all the families together in shopping malls, restaurants and parks. The other is that my best friend, the first person I would turn to no matter what happened - be it that I was happy, sad, fearful, angry - the person who always had all the answers is no longer here with me. The most difficult, stressful time in my life and the only person I really want or need with me is gone and will be forever. I am struggling to process the forever part. It is as if I keep expecting him to return home or for me to walk into our bedroom and for him to be there.

I am not lonely, I am used to Duncan being away. When he travelled I would use these evenings to catch up on things that I could do alone - sewing, reading, Facebook. Our little family rituals of dinner, evenings together and bedtime would be put on hold and we would look forward to his homecoming, waiting for things to return to normal. He was such a major part of our lives so compelling and strong that is is incomprehensible to think that he could just be taken away like that.

The other night a friend of mine said I am going to have to find a "new normal" for Stuart and I. Later, lying in bed reflecting on her comment I realised that we have just been marking time, waiting. I have to start new rituals and routines for us to follow, I have to try and accept that he won't be coming back.