My Precious Son

Stuart still tells me at least once a day that he wants to fetch Papa, or that he will be a doctor when he gets big and will fix Papa. It breaks my heart each time and then I have to tell him that we cannot do this which in turn, I am sure, is breaking his.

This morning he dressed in Duncan's clothes, as he often does, and asked me to put on one of the family DVD's where he could see his Papa. We watched some footage together of when he was really small and Duncan used to give him his last bottle before bedtime, then there was some of them playing in the garden which we laughed at. Next came a scene where Duncan is dancing with Stuart on his shoulders I had put a backtrack to it called "I love to dance with Daddy". Stuart just imploded and begged me to take it off. He was devastated and so was I.

Once it was off he was fine and started speaking to me about happy times and things we did together and asked me to tell him of when he was a "tiny baby" and how Duncan would put him to bed.

He also talks to me about the fathers of his friends at school and tells me that his daddy is dead. This is the only time he uses the term Daddy instead of Papa which was his name for Duncan. When we are at home and he is just talking about Duncan in general, or about wanting to help him he refers to him as Papa.

I am astounded at his memory for one so young. Next week I have to go up north for work and am able to take him with me. When I told him where we are going he immediately said "That is where we went with Papa!" and that was nearly a year ago. I am so glad that he will still have many memories of Duncan of his own and it will not just be us telling him about his beloved Papa.