A Brilliant Mind

This week may well be clocked up as the worst this far. I feel as if I have hit rock bottom and have started to dig. I can barely get through an hour without folding. I am trying my best to keep this from my family, friends and most importantly from Stuart. The former is easier as I just keep away from them; the latter a lot more difficult.

It culminated with Lindie, my right hand at work, and I being in tears and unable to even speak with one another on Friday. Lindie walked out of my office and closed the door. Through my tears I looked at my desk and thought if I put my head down on it I will begin to howl, I will unhinge and will never recover. I was on such a slippery slope and it took all of my strength to pull myself back knowing I have to be here for Stuart, knowing I cannot let go.

Later Linds and I got together and although still teary we managed to talk about Duncan and laugh a little too. The stress of his absence is felt so intensely wherever I am yet when I am at work, surrounded by all that was him and people who knew him so well, I feel some kind of comfort.

What is so difficult for us to accept is that it was Duncan's brain that finally killed him. This man of extreme intellect, who knew so much about so much, that all that talent, that gift could just be taken away, wasted. I still get so angry when I see people who have wasted their lives still walking around and I want to know why they, of so little worth, are spared and Duncan wasn't.

Our friends keep reiterating that when anyone needed to talk about something, ask advice about anything, get information they knew without doubt that Duncan would have the answer. His heart, the cause of his collapse, recovered and was fine minutes later yet his brain,that very organ that we all so admired, killed him - swelling to a size that could no longer me accommodated within his cranium.

It seems to be getting more and more difficult as time passes, instead of easier as I have been told it should. The more things that occur that I would have shared with Duncan, the harder it is for me, as I feel the vacuum so accutely. Stuart's developments, special days, milestones and things happening in our daily lives all have little meaning without him being here.