Mother's Day

Back in the height of my IVF years, when I seemed to be better
at losing babies than having them, I dreaded Mother's Day.
Here was this day that seemed especially designed to ridicule me,
taunt me.
Remind me of all that I wasn't and all that I couldn't have.

In South Africa we celebrate Woman's Day on 9 August and Duncan
would always do something extra special for me on that day and told me this was my day until such time I became a Mother, he never doubted I would.

And then the bliss of finally becoming a Mommy, of celebrating this fact.
To rejoice on this day that I had waited for so long,a day to enjoy,
a day to know that I was there to nurture, to love, to teach, to protect, to care for this perfect little boy.
A day to remember all my lost babies and to cherish the one I have.

And now I am back in that place again, dreading Mother's Day.
Another day to see other families together, other daddies sharing
in their children's love for their mother.
Another day to remember all that we have lost.
And so I am going to ignore it and treat it as just another day.

What to Say to a Grieving Friend

Having been through many years of infertility and many IVF's to have Stuart I thought I had grown a relatively thick skin to people's insensitive comments. Here a childhood friend of mine, and fellow infertile, logged some typical ones on her blog: http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2005/01/what_not_to_say.html

It seems that people do not know how to act or react when you have suffered the loss of someone close. Many are grieving for that person themselves, some just don't know what to say.

"What a terrible time of year (Christmas) for this to happen"
Any time of year would be terrible. There is always a special day and it is going to be difficult to bare. Valentines Day, His, My or Stuart's Birthday, Our Anniversary and so on.

"Well have an awesome Christmas"
Yes, I was actually wished this in a variety of ways straight after discussing Duncan's tragic death. What did they think? Now that I am single I would be hitting the clubs?

"I understand how you feel, my husband just left me"
No you don't! Your husband will still be there to hold a little hand on your child's first day at school, to proudly see him graduate and dance at his wedding. I do not despise my husband; he did not choose to go.


Here is a site that has a few more:
http://www.inmyheels.com/what-to-say-to-a-grieving-friend