Stuart's 4th Birthday

From the moment I saw you
from the moment I looked into your eyes
There was something about you I knew,
I knew that we were once in a lifetime
A treasure impossible to find
and now I know how lucky I am to have you

Cause I've seen rainbows that
could take your breath away
The beauty of the setting sun
on any given day
And when it comes to shooting stars
I have seen a few
But I've never seen anything
as beautiful as you

I can't believe that I have you
I can't believe that you're here in my arms
I'd been waiting a lifetime for you,
and I'd dreamed about you
pictured in my mind what I would see
But I never imagined just how beautiful you'd be

Happy Birthday my Darling Boy.

Where did the Time Go?

I was talking to a friend in Port Elizabeth last week and he asked when I would be coming down. With my crazy workload I stated that it was unlikely it would be before the Spring. He said "Oh, that always means longer - probably only next year but that will be in the middle of the Soccer". In my head I thought "What an exaggeration, the World Cup is only in 2010!"

Imagine that, I can tell you to the day what month it is since 22 November but I can't tell you what year I am in. It is as if I cannot comprehend moving out of 2008 because that would mean leaving Duncan in it.

Today Lindie brought me a Tax Return and asked me to write another cheque as the one attached was no longer acceptable. It had been written out by Duncan, there was his familiar handwriting, his signature.
It was dated early November.
2008.
Lindie took the old cheque and tore it up, I suppose rightly so,
but as she was doing it I felt myself being torn inside too.

Relatively Unscathed

Well I got through Mother's Day realtively unscathed.
Stuart and I spent the day in the garden, he thoroughly enjoyed digging in the sand and I planted some cheery pansies to welcome me at my door.
My Mom came over in the afternoon, we had agreed that we would not make a big thing of the day but I did want to acknowledge her and so we had decided to just do a tea.

After she had left and I was making Stuart's dinner I started to cry, Stuart has been having a particular difficult time at the moment regarding Duncan and I was trying not to let him see me. He came into the kitchen and walked up behind me and put his little arms around me and said "Turn around Mama" which I did.

I knelt down and he held me and patted my back, then looked at my face intensely and kissed me several times before holding me again much as a parent would comfort a child. "Don't worry Mama, don't worry". Later he came in to check on me again and asked "Are you not so sad anymore?" and I could answer honestly "I love you so much, you can only make me happy".

Mother's Day

Back in the height of my IVF years, when I seemed to be better
at losing babies than having them, I dreaded Mother's Day.
Here was this day that seemed especially designed to ridicule me,
taunt me.
Remind me of all that I wasn't and all that I couldn't have.

In South Africa we celebrate Woman's Day on 9 August and Duncan
would always do something extra special for me on that day and told me this was my day until such time I became a Mother, he never doubted I would.

And then the bliss of finally becoming a Mommy, of celebrating this fact.
To rejoice on this day that I had waited for so long,a day to enjoy,
a day to know that I was there to nurture, to love, to teach, to protect, to care for this perfect little boy.
A day to remember all my lost babies and to cherish the one I have.

And now I am back in that place again, dreading Mother's Day.
Another day to see other families together, other daddies sharing
in their children's love for their mother.
Another day to remember all that we have lost.
And so I am going to ignore it and treat it as just another day.

Trust Fund Kid

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a Trust Fund Lawyer.
As Duncan was orphaned twice and as neither of us have
a living sibling, if something had to happen to me Stuart
would be orphaned too - at four years old.
The fear of which has me lying awake nights.

Two dear friends of ours so very kindly, and so absolutely,
agreed to be his legal guardians.
Tomorrow the paperwork has to be done.
It makes it so absolute.

I feel hollow inside, this great big vacuum.
Duncan's estate is not even wound up yet
and here I am planning mine.
My sister, my babies, my husband
Will all this death around me ever end?

A little boy needs his Mommy.

Missing You

I miss you when something really good happens,
because you're the one I want to share it with.
I miss you when something is troubling me,
because you're the only one who understands me so well.
I miss you when I laugh and cry,
because I know that you're the one who makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.
I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lie awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other for those were some of the best memorable times of my life.

I want to be in your arms, where you hold me tight,
and never let me go.

You'll Never Be Alone

Hopeless to describe the way I feel for you.
No matter how I try, words would never do.
I looked into your eyes, to find as long as love's alive
There is nothing we can't make it through.
Always, or only for a while, don't worry make a wish
I'll be there to see you smile.

Our world is changing and time is spinning fast.
All we wanted was for our family to last.
I know you feel all hope is gone.
I know you always try to be strong.
Not intended, but this story ends with you and I.

And anytime you feel like you just can't go on.
Just hold on to my love and you'll never be alone.
Hold on, we can make it through the fire.
And my child I am forever by your side.
And you know if you should ever call my name,
I'll be right there, you'll never be alone.

Trying to Make Sense of it All

Stuart has been ill for a month now and when I took him to the doctor, for the second time, he climbed onto her bed and lay very still. He said to her “I am going to die like my Papa”. Naturally she was rather concerned and wants to keep an eye on him in case he needs trauma counselling . He still asks and talks about Duncan every day, mimics things that Duncan used to do, talks continually about things he did and used. The doctor said all these things are normal for the first year but should it go beyond this we will have to look into it.

He has started asking me how much his Daddy loved him and if I will always stay married to his Daddy. He also likes me to tell him stories about Duncan and to discuss D’s friends and what they meant to him. If anyone he knows gets sick, especially if this entails a trip to the doctor, he immediately worries that they are going to die and wants to know how bad their illness is and whether or not they will come back. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and when I say that I love him so much, he most often responds with “Papa loves me so much too!”

It will be his birthday next month and I will be taking him to see Barney. I asked him if he knew who was coming to town. Immediately he got excited and asked “Is it Papa?” I was heartbroken that I had to let him down and suddenly Barney seemed such a feeble alternative.

I have been working extremely long hours for the last month and I have been so focussed on the marketing campaign that I have been busy with and with the building site that I have been very strong and only had a few meltdowns. What I find quite bizarre is that I will catch myself, maybe looking at a photo of D, and suddenly be overwhelmed with the idea that he will never be here again. It is as if by not thinking about it I do not have to accept it. That he is just away on a business trip and will be joining us later.

I am reading “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” by Robin S Sharma which I am finding very helpful to keep me in a positive frame of mind both professionally and personally. I am striving to live with the greater courage, balance and joy it teaches and more than anything want these for my son. This, above anything else, is what is driving me to relearn to live with the passion and purpose I once had and hopefully eventually to find an element of peace.

Love is Forever

In the hospital they slipped Duncan's wedding ring onto my hand and I now always wear it, because it is too big I have it on my right hand behind my eternity ring. Oddly enough it looks like a set, inside it "Forever" is inscribed with the date of our wedding day...tomorrow 14 April. Forever - constant, infinite.

Time heals, but I don't know. Will I ever get over you?
Time will take away the pain
Make me whole again, make me feel?
Will I ever get over you? Believe I can, if I don't hear your voice
see your face, touch your things,
I feel strong, but then memories wash down like warm tide.

The bare facts stand so raw and bright. My imagination keeps you by my side
Just one look, just one smile, your glinting charm disarms me
and my arms open wide.
How cold is this conclusion when the beginning was so warm.

Will I ever get over you? Free of wanting only you, start a new life?
Attempt a brave new world,rise from the fall.
When all things are said and done, now you're gone I have to carry on
It's a shame how things work out and it's a shame how things go wrong.

Such Cruel Things

I was walking through the visitors waiting area in the office yesterday and suddenly could smell Duncan's aftershave. I asked Angela if she had just sprayed any perfume or deoderant and she said no and as she has a cold she couldn't smell anything either. Lindie, who believes these things where I don't, said "it's Duncan just saying hello"....this evening I called my Mum to tell her about the aftershave and while I was doing so the gift Duncan gave me for Valentine's day fell over gently onto my dressing table. Ofcourse she too believes it is him. I wish I believed this, I wish I could make contact with him, I so want him here with me.

I got home to find my "Your Family" magazine had arrived. My Mum had given me a year's subsciption for my birthday in July last year. Every month when it arrives I ache, I have no family anymore. It is just my little boy and I, I do not plan elaborate meals or prepare special holidays feasts. Every article in the magazine screams of happy families.

And each morning, I still look up across the gym to where I saw him last - imagining him walking towards me, imagining him there.

Stuart said to me tonight "I have no Daddy to play with" then he fetched all the photos of D off my dressing table and kissed them all, then asked me to kiss them too. He spoke to Duncan telling him he loved him and would fix him he just "needed to get bigger" and my heart keeps breaking.